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crackline. forever. losing part of me.
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
it wasnt the best post title to start with after such a long hiatus from the blog scene.
but it described how i really felt right now towards our relationship.
of course, during the absence from here, we continued our usual life routine of work, travels, entertainments and good food and good fun. when there are good times, there are bound to have bad ones as well, she still irritated and pissed me off in some occasions, but all was still well..
this year, last month, she turned 35.
we had big plans for this very year, to finally purchase a place of our own.
she tried applying BTO with her mum, but without surprises, it was a flat rejection from the ballot result.
so we turned to purchasing of resale flat.
things began to get really tricky, too many concerns and worries. not unusual after all.
1) purchase price > valuation price. this means that we have to top up cash, which we are not very willingly to such an option, especially when i felt that we would have done better in the negotiation of price with the seller's agent. somehow she got all whirl up in the plot of the existence of another buyer pitting with us, and she being too anxious, sank in, and cast the price in stone.
remedy - our agent had agreed to absorb part of the top up cash, which we felt slightly cushioned, and to top it up, we can only consoled ourselves through the blessing of hopeful divination from the temple as well as the good orientation of this flat from the reading of a fengshui master.
2) the layout of the house wasn't really fits well into the ideal of our dream house, hence huge renovation works have to take place, and we start hunting for IDs. again, its not an easy feat, as we need to make comparisons to the price against the type of renovation works that we will get.although we might have some fuss on meeting up with some IDs due to their location, but we are almost done right now to the confirmation of engaging the ID.
the episode that link to this, was meeting up with the usual gang. we had fully understood that some people love to remains as closed books, no matter how you try to prompt them into sharing, its just not gonna work. when you face such people, there is also no need to share and be too straightforward with them, but she just go on and on, into sharing renovation ID company, designs. and even when we deeply believe that they had already engaged their ID, but they just refused to share. i just felt that she can't catch my way of response when they questioned me, and the body expression that i displayed when she goes on blurting out all the information.
remedy - not much of remedy, but i can only say that she is being innocent and gullible towards others. but i do hope that she will learn that fine line between sharing and sharing too much. some people are just not worth doing so.
3) money. its a superb sensitive item, as well as a frequent bought up matter during the course of budget planning during a occasion like this. the budget for this place was relatively tight, especially we have to spend quite a sum because its a resale flat, we really have to give it a change for certain items. apart from the renovation cost and soft furnishings, we have to take up installment plan for all the big ticket items. indeed, i did toyed with the idea of getting a loan from our best buddy or my own family members, but i brushed it off as i felt that the pace of repaying them will be the same as taking up interest free installment plans.
but she actually went to her mum and asked for a loan. without a discussion with me.
and she only told me when her mum had already withdrawn a sum and placed it at home.
first of all, no pre-discussion with me. second, she didnt even do her maths (i calculated and concluded it should be sufficient if we stick to the plans of spending and saving in the joint account), third, she fail to pick up on how i will feel. she claimed she is trying to help, but looking at the current situation, my ego is so bruised and i have no sense of belonging.
indeed i have too huge an ego, which i really hate to make ourselves under this bad shade of light, and there will always be a possibility of news leaking to others that we are on a loan. perhaps i had always felt that as human beings, we do what we can do with, if there is a lack of capital, we should work on how to save from the furnishing and items, and not resort to borrowing. and i had already preempted her not to take up loan from her mum or aunties.
most importantly. there is no marriage cert in such relationship, so we would only stay strong through actions and mutual understanding, bestowing honesty, respect, openness in communication, and putting each other in the first position in this whole universe, letting people know that we ACTS AS ONE. its not though verbal affirmation, but also through actions. she felt that SHE is the one that asked the loan from her mum, from what i see it, its WE that asked for the loan. to put things simple, isnt SHE = ME or ME = SHE ? isnt this the equation to rely on when we decided to be life-long partners?
remedy - there is no remedy, crackline will always be there, and she is beginning to lose part of me in her. i really wish things doesn't happen this way and we can turn back the time, but reality hurts. what's done cannot be undone, and certain actions will just remain there forever. Labels: the nest, upset rantings
xoxo,
dear |
22:13
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